


The Butterfly Project

by Windfighter



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sorry Emil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 21:59:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15827757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfighter/pseuds/Windfighter
Summary: The Butterfly ProjectRules:1. when you feel like you want to cut, take a marker or pen and draw a butterfly wherever the self-harm occurs.2. name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.3. NO scrubbing the butterfly off.4. if you cut before the butterfly is gone, it dies. if you don't cut, it lives.5. another person may draw them on you. these butterflies are extra special. take good care of them.





	The Butterfly Project

**Author's Note:**

> Unoriginal title is unoriginal but eh.  
> Warnings for implied self-harm.  
> Hmm, no idea what more to say here. I had a lot of fun with Sigrun in this story?

 

”Hey, Emil, give me your arm.”

”My... arm?”

”The thing attatched to your hand. Not gonna ask twice.”

Emil blinked, stared at Sigrun who only held her hand out and waited.

”...Why do you want my arm?”

Emil let go of the knife and Sigrun smiled.

”Doctor's orders.”

Emil took a step back. Sigrun's smiled turned into a grin and she pounced him, pressed hm to the ground and placed herself on his back.

”Said I wasn't gonna ask twice. Hold still.”

He squirmed under her, but she had held down recruits before and was used to it. She grabbed his arm and pulled up his sleeve. _Don't comment on it_ , Mikkel had told her, so she ignored the pink and white scars covering Emil's arm. She grabbed a pen she had hidden in her pocket, found a particulary nasty scar and zoomed in on it. Emil was squirming even worse now.

”Stay still or I'll accidentally break it.”

It didn't deter him much and the butterfly turned out more wonky than she had planned. She let go of Emil, got off him and offered him a hand. He quickly pulled down his sleeve and got up without looking at her. She put her arm over his shoulder.

”If you do something stupid now, you'll kill it.”

She put the pen back in her pocket and started walking again. Emil was soon back to following her.

 

Mikkel noticed the nervous leg-stimming before Emil was even aware of it himself. He sat down next to the Swede and grabbed the young man's arm before Emil had time to react. Emil tried to pull away, but Mikkel held it in a firm grip.

”Doctor's orders”, he said as he pulled out a pen.

He looked at the beast-butterfly that Sigrun had drawn earlier, then proceeded to draw his own on the other side of Emil's arm.

”It's name is Helga”, Mikkel noticed Emil flinching just a little. ”It likes sunny summerdays and lillies of the valley and if you hurt yourself you'll kill it.”

Mikkel's butterfly looked a lot more like a butterfly than Sigrun's did, that much was certain. He let go of Emil's arm and Emil pulled down the sleeve without even looking at the drawing.

”I think the doctor is a quack.”

”Maybe he is”, Mikkel smiled. ”Or maybe he knows exactly what he's doing.”

 

Lalli was looking at Emil. Emil hadn't notice him coming in, his face hidden in the pillow and his shoulders shaking from quiet sobs. Lalli tip-toed closer, sat down on Emil's bed.

”Arm”, he said.

He didn't understand why he was supposed to do this, but Mikkel had been very definite in his instructions. Emil froze, pulled his arms further under the pillow. Lalli was weaker than Emil, so he couldn't force it out, he knew that.

”Arm”, he said again.

”Why?”

”Mikkel”, Lalli said.

Emil should understand what he meant, he was certain of it. Emil didn't move at first, then slowly took his arm out and offered it to Lalli. Lalli grabbed the pen Mikkel had placed in his pocket and pulled up Emil's sleeve. He had been the first one to notice it, but it still hurt to see the scars and not yet healed wounds on Emil's arms. As he put the pen to Emil's skin he heard Emil's knife fall to the floor as Emil took out the other arm as well and buried his hand in his hair. Lalli contiued drawing.

”Tuuri”, he said.

His voice shivered and he bit his lip to contain it.

”Likes blueberries and books.”

He wished he knew more Swedish, wish he knew enough to ask Emil about it. His hand clenched tighter around Emil's arm as he finished the butterfly.

_Please don't kill her._

 

Sigrun noticed Emil scratching at his arm while they waited for Lalli to return. On his coat, but she knew it'd be seconds before he'd move his hand under it, she had seen it before. She grabbed the pen in her pocket and held her hand towards Emil.

”Arm”, she stated.

He didn't protest this time, let her pull up his sleeve and draw. He didn't look at it while she worked.

”I heard the others named theirs.”

A very tiny nod. Sigrun grinned.

”Well then, this is Beastkiller.”

Emil snorted. Sigrun considered that a success.

”Beastkillers drinks the blood of his enemies and eats the flesh of fallen trolls.”

Another snort. Emil pulled his hand over his eyes and Sigrun finished her drawing. It looked a lot better this time.

”The only thing that can kill him is if his host gets hurt. So make sure you keep him safe.”

She let go of Emil's arm and he pulled down his sleeve without looking at Beastkiller. Lalli returned, gestured that the area was safe and they ventured further into the broken building.

 

Reynir was interrupted in his studying as a pen came into view. He looked up, noticed Emil, but the Swede wasn't looking at him.

”I...” Emil started. ”I want to...”

His cheeks were red and Reynir took the pen Emil offered him. Emil still held his arm towards him.

”I'd ask someone else but they're...”

Reynir couldn't quite understand what Emil was saying.

”They're all out there together and I don't want to disturb them, and I didn't mean to disturb you either but I didn't want to kill them and I don't know what I should do. But if you want me to leave I'll go away again.”

It finally clicked for Reynir. He patted the chair next to him, invited Emil to sit down and the Swede did so. Mikkel had told Reynir a couple of days earlier about the Butterfly Project, had told Reynir that if he noticed Emil behaving anxiously or anything he should draw butterflies on his arms. Mikkel had failed to mention that Emil might ask for them himself but he wasn't going to complain. He pulled Emil's sleeve up.

”I'll draw a really pretty one for you, okay?”

He could tell from Emil's expression that the younger man still couldn't understand Icelandic. He tried to find a spot that wasn't completely covered in scars and eventually settled for Emil's wrist. Sigrun's two drawings stared at him and he held back a laugh.

”With flowers and a skirt and a cute hat and everything. Would you like that?”

Emil nodded. He wasn't looking at Reynir and Reynir started drawing.

”This is Ólafur”, he said as he worked. ”Ólafur likes to bake applepies for all his siblings. He also gets really happy when you make flower crowns for him. He also really _really_ likes to live.”

Emil glanced at the butterfly when Reynir was done, then quickly pulled his sleeve down again. Reynir wanted to say something more, but Emil nodded to him and left before he was able to.

 

Onni was leaning against a tree. Reynir was studying something again, Lalli, Sigrun and Mikkel was out looking for something and Emil had been tasked with making the food. Onni kept an eye on the Swede since both Mikkel and more importantly Lalli had asked him to.

_My friend... he's in a bad place. I need your help._

Lalli didn't ask for help unless it was absolutely necessary. Onni watched as Emil peeled carrots and potatoes. Emil's hand trembled as he grabbed the knife and Onni sat up straighter. Emil's spirit turned red, only for a second, then went back to normal again. He started cutting up the potatoes and Onni got up from the ground, walked a little closer. Emil stopped moving, then continued working. Onni could hear him muttering to himself, saw him grabbing the knife just a little tighter.

”Are you mad at me”, Emil asked, ”for not being there to protect him?”

Onni couldn't understand. He was somewhat certain that Emil was talking about Lalli. Emil's spirit shifted in red again and Onni noticed that Emil's grip on the knife got tighter as the tip moved closer to Emil's hand. Onni held his hand towards Emil.

”Arm”, he commanded.

The only word he knew in Swedish. Lalli had forced him to learn it for this exact reason. Emil blinked, the knife moved back a little. Would he have to repeat it? Emil put the knife down and offered Onni his arm. Onni pulled up the sleeve, found the pen in his pocket. There were already four butterflies on his arm and Onni decided to draw it on the back of Emil's hand instead.

”Lalli”, he said.

The butterfly did kind of resamble his cousin, but he wasn't sure if Emil could tell.

”He likes...” Onni paused, not certain what to say. ”...strawberries.”

Emil nodded, maybe he understood that. Onni let go of Emil again and Emil pulled the sleeve down. It didn't reach far enough to cover the latest butterfly though and Emil looked at it, smiled and went back to work. Onni stayed a while, to make sure Emil wasn't about to do something stupid, but after a minute he went back to the tree and sat down again.

 

Sigrun peeked into the tent where Emil was. He laid flat on his back ontop of his sleeping bag, a hand tucked inside his shirt and his eyes far away. She watched him for a couple of seconds. His fingers moved, just a little, but she could tell what was happening.

”Oh no you don't.”

He barely had time to react before she was sitting ontop of him. She grabbed a pen, pulled his shirt up and drew a butterfly exactly where his fingers had been just seconds earlier.

”This one is... Aksel. His grandmother taught him how to defend himself and made sure he lived through the toughest times of human history. You make sure he doesn't die now.”

Emil nodded, his cheeks were red. Sigrun got off him again and he quickly pulled his shirt down. She smiled at him.

”You're doing great, buddy.”

 

It had been a week. Emil looked at his arms. The latest wounds had almost healed and the first butterfly was starting to fade. He hadn't killed it. His left arm was practically covered in butterflies, only five had been drawn on his right. All of them by Lalli. He laughed as his eyes fell on the particulary large butterfly Sigrun had drawn on his chest. Aksel was also still alive.

”Ready to head out?” Sigrun called.

”In a second!”

Emil grabbed his shirt, pulled it over his head. Put on the rest of his clothes, took his weapons and put a pen in his pocket. He left the tent and waved at Sigrun.

”All ready.”

Lalli looked at him, tilted his head in that typical Lalli-fashion and Emil laughed.

”Okay?” Lalli asked.

”Okay”, Emil confirmed.

And he was, weirdly enough. He hadn't had an urge to do anything stupid for two days, he felt certain that if the urge came he would be able to handle it. After all, he didn't want to kill the butterflies. Sigrun hit his back, caused him to take a couple stumbling steps and then they were off. One whole week without hurting himself. Emil would make sure to make it one more week.

 

Twelve days and Emil's hand twitched. He stared at the mess infront of him. At the potatoes that had been cut unevenly, the carrots that had fallen to the ground, the fire that had been put out for the third time because he kept knocking the pot over and spilling all the water over it. The can of tuna he had managed to drop and then step on. His hand twitched again. Why was he so... so... He clenched his teeth, glared at the table, glared at his hands. His eyes fell on the knife that laid on the table and he grabbed it.

Reynir and Onni was inside the tent, the other three would be gone for a little longer. He was alone. He rested the blade against his skin.

”Why am I such a useless... hamfisted... stupid...”

It would be so easy. His eyes teared up. He deserved it. He deserved the pain. Deserved it for being such a useless klutz. He let go of the knife. It fell to the ground and landed right next to his foot, the blade burying itself into the ground. He took a step back, then another and a third. He stumbled over a rock and landed with his ass on the ground. His hand trembled as it searched his pocket. He was barely aware of removing the glove, of finding the pen. He drew on his palm. Just a tiny butterfly, barely visible. Then he drew another. And another. He drew one slightly larger. He still needed to...

He pulled up his sleeve, found a spot without a butterfly and drew one there as well. He still needed to, he needed to do it on his leg. He pulled up the leg of his pants, drew a butterfly there as well. Not just a basic one this time, he tried giving it pattern on its wings, long swirly antennae, made the wings in shapes he hadn't tried before. His breathing got calmer, but only a little, he could still feel the urge ripping inside his chest. He almost scratched at his knee, but drew another butterfly instead. He was a mess.

”Emil?”

Sigrun's voice. Emil took a shaky breath and tried to blink away the tears. He focused on the butterfly, it needed a name, he had to name it something. It liked roses, especially the ones in Siv's garden.

”Emil, what happened?”

Sigrun's voice again. Emil's grip around the pen got tighter.

”I'm a stupid... useless... hamfisted... clutz...”

Each word was accompanied by a line being drawn across his thigh. He didn't dare look towards the table, towards the fire that was no longer burning. Mikkel's hand hugged his shoulder.

”It is nothing to worry about, we will clean it up.”

”It's my fault, I should...”

One of Lalli's hands grabbed his arm, the other took the pen from him.

”In that case we will help you, once you have caught your breath again.”

Lalli started drawing on his thigh, connecting the lines he had made out of frustration and turned them into a butterfly. Sigrun sat down as well, grabbed her own pen and drew on his calf. He hid his face in his hands, tried calming himself, regaining his breath and stop cryng.

”This one is called...” Sigrun said. ”Hmm... It's called... Leaftroll! Because it looks like a leaf and it uses that to get close to trolls.”

”Is not Leaftroll a name more fitting a troll that looks like a leaf?” Mikkel asked.

”Yeah, but this one's called Leaftroll anyway. It gets close to trolls and eats its way into their brains.”

Emil uglylaughed.

”I hope it doesn't consider me a troll.”

”Nah, I wouldn't worry about that. It's a Finnish butterfly and those are very protective over whatever hamfisted pretty Swede they bond with.”

Emil peeked through his fingers. Sigrun was done with the butterfly and was drawing a battlefield around it. Lalli was still working on his drawing, putting great care in every line. He spotted Mikkel looking into the tent, probably telling Reynir and Onni that food would be a little late.

”If you hurt yourself, Leaftroll will lose the battle and you'll get attacked by trolls, just so you know.”

Emil laughed this time.

”Didn't Leaftroll sneak up on its victims? How did it end up in a battle?”

”It realized it's a much more honorable way to kill trolls.”

”I guess that's true.”

Lalli stopped drawing, put the pen in Emil's pocket again. Emil looked at the butterfly. It was large, with elaborate wings and surrounded by flowers and smaller butterflies.

”Emil”, Lalli said. ”Likes animals and stupid Finns. The other butterflies very sad if he dies.”

Emil felt his eyes tearing up again and he blinked, shook his head.

”I won't kill him, I promise.”

Sigrun got up, ruffled his hair.

”We know you won't. Come on now, let's get dinner ready.”

Emil nodded, rolled the leg down again, rolled his sleeve down again and then got up. Mikkel emerged from the tent and Emil waved to him and gestured towards the mess.

”Ready to clean it up now!”

He walked over to the mess, stopped. He hesitated a couple of seconds before pulling the knife from the ground and putting it on the table. He hadn't needed to. He looked at the blade. The butterflies had saved him. He knew they'd save him again. He left the knife for someone else to clean and went to work with the fire instead. He heard Sigrun tease Mikkel about something again, saw Lalli grab the knife and go to the river. Saw Mikkel grab the pot to fill in the river as well. Reynir came outside and gathered the carrots while Onni fixed the potatoes.

Emil knew the urge would come again, but with some help from his friends and their butterflies he knew he would be able to handle it.

 


End file.
